Drinking Wine in Bed: a Beginner’s Guide

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Kalsarikännit (n): a term of Finnish origin used to describe the feeling one encounters when they are going home to get drunk, alone, in their underwear.

“What are your favorite hobbies?” is a bit of a loaded question, no?

I understand that you, productive person of the world, enjoy a good tennis match on a Sunday morning or whizzing over bike trails in unnecessarily tight Spandex during a day off, however, not all of us feel the need to pursue our passions in such a public forum.

Until a traumatic incident involving spilled soy sauce and a white pillowcase, my favorite hobby was eating sushi in bed. Nothing complements a tumble down the ol’ Netflix rabbit hole like a crab and avocado roll, and yet I — along with my crisp, just-washed bedsheets — was left betrayed, scarred, and shell(fish) shocked. 


Upon recovering from the Sushghazi scandal of 2017, I promptly turned my gaze toward a more low-risk, high-reward replacement: wine. Seriously, there’s nothing that makes me feel more like a recently divorced Real Housewife or Johnny Weir after a long day of figure skating coverage quite like knocking back a bottle of $9.99 Chardonnay in the comfort of my comforter.

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While there are many advantages to drinking in bed, none are greater than the lack of human contact required to participate. Instead of spending your evening staring down an indolent bartender holding the cocktail list hostage or willing yourself not to interject in the Tinder-date-turned-political-debate happening at stage right, you can focus on more important matters while indulging: taxes, expense reports, eyebrow-related Youtube tutorials, your ex’s Instagram, a pirated version of How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days, to name a few. 


Like any good hobby, drinking wine in bed does not come without its share of risks. Between a white comforter, laptop, and the Michael Lewis books I leave on my bedstand to impress the occasional visiting finance bro, there are many things in my bedroom that would not appreciate a vino shower (myself not included.) 

In case you were curious, partiers in the Middle Ages had a PLETHORA of drinking vessels from which to choose, including ostrich eggs and gourds. Today, we reclaim that exploration in the form of this helpful guide that ranks each beverage container based on durability, capacity, spill potential, and more. From my adult pillow fort to yours, cheers! 

#9: A Wine Glass

Facetune_01-03-2018-16-37-42Spill risk: High
Refills required to complete a bottle: 6 (or 4, if I’m being honest.) 
Ease of drinking: 3
Durability: 1
 Isn’t it ironic that the one apparatus actually intended for drinking wine is the worst for drinking wine? Long stem, thin glass, generally disproportionate. I blame the French.

#8: A Solo Cup

IMG_6284Spill risk: High (Editor’s note: an inflatable flamingo coaster provides a sturdy foundation.)
Refills required to complete a bottle: 4
Ease of drinking: 3
Did you know the lines of the side of Solo cups are measurement markers? The middle line denotes 5 ounces. Not that you were going to drink just five ounces of wine in one sitting, but hopefully that tidbit comes in handy during your next jaunt into bar trivia. 

#7: A Mason Jar

IMG_6335Spill risk: Considerable
Refills required to complete a bottle: 4
Ease of drinking: 3
Durability: 5
Your bedroom isn’t a Luke Bryan music video. Let’s keep the mason jar in its natural habitat: on Pinterest. 

#6: The Bottle

unnamed-2.jpgSpill risk: Very high
Refills required to complete a bottle: 0
Ease of drinking: 10
Durability: 2
Even your own bed requires some boundaries. (Disregard if your name is Marissa A. Ross.)

 #5: A Coconut Cup

IMG_6256Spill risk: Low
Refills required to complete a bottle: 6
Ease of drinking: 6
Durability: 5
It’s slightly unrealistic design and accessibility put this one right in the middle. Save for an evening you’re drunk enough to enjoy Bachelor In Paradise reruns, of course. 

#4: A real coconut

Facetune_01-03-2018-16-38-22Spill risk: Low
Refills required to complete a bottle: unknown
Ease of drinking: 1
Durability: 3
It required an actual hammer and nail just to fit a straw for this thing, so it’s hard to make a sound judgment call on its capacity. That said, my God, consider the Instagram potential! 

#3: A Tumbler for Normal People 

unnamed-1Spill risk: Low
Refills required to complete a bottle: 3
Ease of drinking: 9
Durability: 7
This one never fails and is also optimal for transporting to another location (and, obviously not driving yourself there if you’ve been drinking!) That said, it is a little basic — better call in one of ban.do‘s adorable $14 versions if a tumbler purchase is callin’ you. 

 #2: A Tumbler Larger Than Your Head

unnamed-3.jpgSpill risk: Low
Refills required to complete a bottle: 0
Ease of drinking: 8
Durability: 10
I found this at a craft store for $5 dollars, and immediately purchased, because why does one visit a craft store if not to buy wholly unnecessary things? And, wait for it…it holds an ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE. Thank you, craft store Gods, for finally descending upon me something of actual value. 

#1: A Vampire Glass

IMG_6201Spill risk: Low
Refills required to complete a bottle: 6
Ease of drinking: 10
Durability: 3
I had never seen or tried such a thing, and only discovered it during my extensive research. They say you get drunker through a straw, so in that sense — and many others — this pick is truly the best of both worlds. Plus, no red wine mouth! Get yaself a vampire wine glass then get yaself in bed, right now! 

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A Few More Tips

Red_Wine_Emoji_largeConsider investing in one of these cute bed trays if there’s a risk you may pass out mid-bottle. Remember, passing out in a bed while drinking wine is a lot less dramatic than passing out in a bar while drinking wine! 

Red_Wine_Emoji_largeShould you have a bedmate(s), it is polite to offer them wine, as well. Should your company decline, feel free to kick them out of your bed, and life, forever. Negativity is insidious. 

Red_Wine_Emoji_largeSend periodic updates to your roommate to reassure her that your not leaving bed for three days is voluntary, and you are, in fact, not being held hostage by an obsessed blog fan. 



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