Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other athletically inclined associates.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook got in👏 to 👏 it on Wednesday. Spoiler alert: there was almost a squad-on-squad showdown, sideline bullying ft. Steph Curry, and that weird forehead thing athletes do when they’re about to go at it. Just makeout already, right?! Anyway, it appears this is just the latest in a long history of drama from these two, and you can get a full rundown here. 

Venus Williams is a married woman. The NoLa-based event included mini Austrailian Open trophies in lieu of goody bags, Venus Williams holding it down as MOH, and Beyonce holding it down on a merry-go-round. Need I say more?

The Capitals defeated the Senators on Wednesday in a 5-2 victory. That said, the home team is still struggling to stay in the upper half of the rankings so far this season. Who’s doing it right? In what seems like a surprise to many, the newly minted The Golden Knights, who have kept a 6-1-0 rating after five games.
Big game to discuss with your sister’s Canadian boyfriend: Western conference leaders the Predators vs. the Blues, Friday at 8 p.m. 

I dug up this NYT long read from a month ago about Colin Kaepernick, which describes him as the “most polarizing figure in sports.” Looks like Jerry Jones is coming in hot for that title now, but there’s no denying CK made a big splash in the NFL this season. I think you’ll appreciate the non-biased stance this article takes regardless of where your knees fall (or don’t fall) on the field.
Fun fact: Colin Kapernick is only 29. Am I the only one who assumes every professional football player is, like, eternally 34?! 

Donchakno: the Vikings are riding out a pretty lofty rankings hike.  Like tater tots in some mayonnaise-based casserole, the Minnesota Vikings are making the Midwest proud as they seep their way through the upper crust of the league’s power rankings. Many are attributing this steady rise to Case Keenum, who ESPN has ranked the best in getting blitzed this season. No idea what that means, either? Then keep reading for our…

Sports Word of the Week

Blitz (n): the term blitz literally translates to ‘lightning’ in German. Blitzing is a tactic used by the defense to disrupt pass attempts by the offense. During a blitz, a higher than usual number of defensive players will rush the opposing quarterback, to try to tackle the quarterback or force them to hurry their pass attempt.

What’s Next 

The Pittsburgh Steelers (8-2) vs. The Green Bay Packers (5-5): Sunday at 8:30 p.m.

Despite the Packers’ win against the Steelers in the 2010 Superbowl, predictions are looking a lot less “Go Pack Go” and a lot more “Go Pack No” here in 2017. Steelers’ QB Ben Rothelisberger putting on a pretty firey show this season, and the team is currently ranked first in the AFC. 

Who’s On Our Roster 

Nursing a broken collarbone and broken heart this season, Aaron Rodgers perpetual deer-in-headlights, my-girlfriend-just-found-my-browser-history stare is certainly looking a little more depressed than usual. That said, Rodgers can still take solace in the fact he didn’t have to resort to the Bachelor to find love (yet), unlike his brother. 

If things don’t work out, I’m sure your future sister-in-law‘s career of selling things on Instagram can float the fam for at least a little bit. Here’s wishing you a speedy recovering, AR, and hopes your next B-list celebrity girlfriend lets you hang out with your kind-of embarrassing family more than once a year.

Per usual, we have some of the best looks in the game to rock while you pretend to watch the actual game. Enjoy! And, as always, click the graphic to shop. 

In the Stands at Lambeau Field

In the Stands at Heinz Field

Pssst — this H&M skirt is under $60, and the bag and boots are under $200! Might be a good time to become a Steelers fan, no?

Out in East Town

Out in South Side 

In the Green Bay Suite

In the Steelers Suite

Hey, that’s enough about sports! Check out my updated roster of Black Friday picks right here. 

Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other sports-minded cohorts.

The Drama

And you thought your retainer was pricey. Steph Curry has been fined your annual salary for allegedly throwing his mouthguard at an official. That said, he took responsibility for what happened during a golf trip with former President Obama (?!??) saying, “Again, it was a dumb thing to do. It was stupid. Learn from it and try to move on and be better.” #Inspired.

Martavis Bryant tells Steelers management “It’s not me, it’s you.” Apparently taking PTO is code for FU in the NFL, with the Steelers’ receiver playing hooky on Monday following reports of some major friction between Bryant and his teammates. While it’s apparently common knowledge Bryant has wanted out for a few weeks, Camp Steeler’s says not-so-fast. Check out who the Post thinks may snatch him up here. 

Like any good BFF, Lebron was there to send (what we assume were) multi-paragraph inspirational texts with corresponding GIFs after the Cav’s recent decison to move Dwayne Wade to their second unit. I mean, obviously he has the name, but a lot of guys are trying to adjust as well.” James said in response to the switch, followed by, “and honestly, D. Wade’s so much prettier than a lot of the other starting players, and it just sucks that they’re acting like this because he’s seriously such a fun person to go out with.” *Last portion of quote edited for clarity.

ESPN’s Barstool Sports buy is already messy. Unsurprisingly this story involves a sexist rant, a stealthy plotted revenge, and the cancellation of what was likely going to be a very mediocre webcast (?) after only one episode. Feel free to decipher through the many tweets that make up this one here. 

Sports Words of the Week

Wide receiver, (n): The wide receiver’s principal role is to catch passes from the quarterback. On passing plays, the receiver attempts to avoid, outmaneuver, or simply outrun defenders (typically cornerbacks or safeties) in the area of his pass route. If the receiver becomes open, or has an unobstructed path to the destination of a catch, he may then become the quarterback’s target. Once a pass is thrown in his direction, the receiver’s goal is to first catch the ball and then attempt to run downfield.

Good thing this closet is a wide receiver, otherwise my winter wardrobe may not fit! 

Snackandering, (v):  when freshly anointed girlfriend of sports fan employs the use of a delicious, homemade snack to win favor among new significant other’s group of friends at weekly basement viewing party.

Rob: “Even though she sat in another room and did not interact with us whatsoever, Kyle’s new girlfriend seems pretty cool.”

Chad: “I don’t even remember her name, but I’m pretty sure he’s found the one. That’s the best seven-layer dip I’ve had in, like, at least a few years.”

Brandon: “Yup, dip was dope. If she’s snackandering us, I’m cool with it.”

What’s Up Next

MLB: Houston Astros vs. LA Dodgers, Game 4: Friday

IDK, there’s like 10,000 baseball games, but the World Series is in full swing (HA!) and this could determine who wins it! Also, Kate Upton will be there and (hopefully?) Chrissy Teigen, too. 

NFL: Miami Dolphins vs. Baltimore Ravens, Thursday

The predictions surrounding this are pretty split, given both teams’ underwhelming records and Jay Cutler’s recent rib injury (who is known popularly as Kirstin Cavallari’s Instagram husband.) That said, the Dolphins are coming off of a three-week winning streak, which has some sports contributors wondering if they have finally hit their stride (lol, get it?!)

NFL: Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins, Sunday

This, shockingly, is the slated to be one of the closest match-ups of Week 8. Despite the Redskins time-honored tradition of choking on a rogue .30 caliber pistol thrown by Joe Simpson and/or Willie Nelson while playing the Cowboys, many are confident Cousins and Thompson will bring the humid, swamp-like DC heat this weekend. That said, Dallas definitely appears to have a stronger defense on deck, which could keep the Skins’ superstars from doing their thing.

Annnd just in time for the big day, I’ve compiled what you need to be wearing if you intend to spend Sunday eating snacks and scrolling Instagram while your boyfriend compulsively opens and closes his fantasy football app. You’re welcome! 

If You’re a Redskins Fan This Week

Stands

J.O.A. knit top via Zappos, $70 / STS Blue ripped crop jeans, $25 / AINEA Chevron faux fur coat, $288, Inge Christopher Finn clutch, $135, Calvin Klein mules, $63

Sports Bar

 

American Rag Moto Jacket, $50 / AG Leatherette Pants, $255 / Steven by Steve Madden white booties / Tory Burch brown shoulder bag, $260

Suite

If You’re a Cowboys Fan This Week

Sports Bar

Knitted Knotted textured sweater / Rag & bone/JEAN destroyed skinny jeans, $200 / Boutique Moschino blue flat shoes / LULUS snake print purse / FARIS earrings

Suite

Stands

J Crew white top / Mara Hoffman coat, $600 / Current/Elliott distressed jeans, $245 / Steve Madden leather boots / True Decadence chain strap handbag, $45