Sports, For People Who Kind Of Hate Sports: November 1

Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other athletically inclined associates.

Taken from the @overheardla feed.

The Drama

In addition to providing NBA fans with one of the best taglines in recent history, Joel “The Process” Embiid has also provided the Sixers with a boosted offensive and defensive rating. For perspective, Embiid’s opponent points-per-drive rating of 0.63, compared to the league average of 0.94. It looks like the Cavs better streamline those locker room therapy sessions if they want to catch up to the heat coming out of Philly.

The NFL trade deadline is approaching, because you didn’t have enough things to stress out about today. There’s nothing funnier to me than envisioning a bunch of NFL coaches and owners scrambling to physically exchange giant football players across a crowded trading room floor. I imagine Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson catapulting through the air like some GE stock while a bunch of stressed out assistant coaches gaze blankly at a scrolling screen of vague statistics before barking “buy, buy, buy!” and “sell, sell, sell!” indiscriminately.

Fantasy may not be far from reality this year, as it appears the NFL is trading more players than ever before in anticipation of the November 6th cutoff.

Some notable switch-ups include Jimmy Garroppolo’s departure from the Pats to San Francisco, which granted Tom Brady some added job security and all of us more time to buy his meal service comprised of overpriced vegetables and air. That said, there are some conspiracy theories surrounding the trade, given the 49ers terrible record and the chance Jimmy may not get much play on his new team. To be honest, I meant to Google this further but got his distracted investigating Jimmy’s current marital status because oh my god.

Ditto for Russell Wilson — known popularly as Ciara‘s Instagram husband — who received an early Christmas present in the form of Duane Brown, an offensive tight-end expected to help Wilson take the Seahawks O-line to the next level. Wilson thanked his boss, Pete “Silver Fox” Carroll, for the help by dressing up as him for Halloween — complete with habitual gum chewing.

That reminds me! It’s time for our….

Sports Words of the Week

Offensive tight-end: The tight end (TE) The tight end is often seen as a hybrid position with the characteristics and roles of both an offensive lineman and a wide receiver. Like offensive linemen, they are usually lined up on the offensive line and are large enough to be effective blockers. On the other hand, they are eligible receivers adept enough to warrant a defense’s attention when running pass patterns.

Neil: I found what John said earlier about issues surrounding parakeet rights really upsetting and misguided. But, with a tush that toned, who can be mad at him?

Horace: They don’t call him the offensive tight end for nothing!

Brandwagon fan (n): a person whose sports affiliations rely on factors like on-trend accessories, team colors comprised of face-flattering jewel tones, what was on sale at Zara last week and other determinants unrelated to sports or athletics.

Jane: Ever since Joanna bought that burgundy moto jacket, she hasn’t shut up about Kirk Cousins.

Julie: She may be a Skins brandwagoner, but you’re the one who bought season Panthers tickets after finding that sky blue mink on sale at Intermix last year.

Jane: That’s not true! It was rabbit fur!

What’s Up Next

MLB: The ~World Series~ Final Game, Tonight!

The Astros and Dodgers have clawed their way to Game 7, which means the winner of the World Series will be determined TONIGHT. Right now, it’s anyone’s game, with concerns surrounding pitchers maxing out on both sides and Houston’s shaky record on the road — all eyes are today’s starters Lance McCuller and Yu Darvish. Personally, my eyes are on this mega fab vintage bomber Kate Upton wore last night, because I want it in my closet. Also, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were there to wave a flag, and I’m hoping for even more celeb #sportystyle inspo tonight.

NFL: Baltimore Ravens vs. Tennessee Titans, Sunday

Boh meets banjo and crabs meet country this Sunday when the Baltimore Ravens (4-4) take on the Tennessee Titans (4-3). Pre-game predictions are leaning toward the Titans, given the Ravens shaky pre- and post-season record on the road, but it’s one of Week 9’s closest match-ups.

Just in time for the big day, I’ve compiled outfits so good no one will notice you hesitate before cheering to ensure you’re woo-hooing for the right team. Click the graphic to shop!