Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other athletically inclined associates.

The Drama

There is so👏much👏 sports drama this week. Grab your popcorn, grab your wine, and grab that jersey you “borrowed” for a walk of shame circa Halloween 2011 — it’s go time!

The Falcons can’t keep their heads on straight. Better get the whiteboard out for this one. The drama started when Panthers’ safety Kurt Coleman was fined $24K for exhibiting unnecessary roughness toward Falcons running back Devonta Freeman two weeks ago. Right after,  Coleman’s teammate, Thomas Davis, suggested that Freeman was already concussed before arriving in Charlotte from a hit he absorbed during the Cowboys’ game a week prior. Atlanta’s Coach Quinn says “nope,” the video from the game says “maybe,” and I say it might time to get this guy a new helmet.

Ezekiel ElliOUT. Keeping in line with fall’s hottest trend of holding men accountable for their actions, Cowboys’ star running back Ezekiel Elliot was officially suspended for up to six games after months of drawn-out legal drama surrounding allegations E.E. had multiple violent altercations with a former girlfriend in 2016. Like any good businessman, Jerry and Stephen Jones promptly had their prime investment shipped to an overseas account, where he is said to be keeping in game-ready shape somewhere “abroad.” This could prove to be a major setback for the Cowboys, however, who are currently ranked 13th in the league.

Speaking of which, professional pot-stirrer Jerry Jones is leading the charge in halting Roger Goodell’s contract extension. Many have been critical of Goodell’s management and quickness to suspend players during previous seasons, including the “deflategate” penalties and, more recently, the suspension and lawsuit surrounding Ezekiel Elliot (who just so happens to play on Jones’ team.) Recently, the league’s compensation committee made it a point to remind everyone that the owners unanimously voted to extend Goodell’s contract in May, but it appears Jones’ cold feet are starting to go numb. 

Photo of Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones plotting new ways to ruin Roger Goodell’s day. 

Meanwhile, the Celtics have been implementing the controversial practice of treating players like actual human beings. The team that currently leads the NBA’s Eastern Conference is coming off of a fourteen-game winning streak, thanks in part to forward Jaylen Brown, who led the team with 22 points on Thursday after the death of a close friend. Apparently, he even secured a steal from two-time MVP Steph Curry (…who may or may not be Obama’s new best friend.)

Sports Words of the Week

A fullback (FB) is one of the two running back positions along with the halfback. Typically, fullbacks are larger than halfbacks and in most offensive schemes their duties are split between power running, pass catching, and blocking for both the quarterback and the other running back.

Gramwagon fan (n): a person who uses a flattering photo taken while attending a sporting event to represent themselves on mediums like Tinder, Instagram and Google Plus, despite having no real knowledge or interest in sports teams or sports in general. Should the subject attract a suitor that is an actual sports fan, gramwagoning may result in a first date spent frantically Googling sports terminology and current rankings under the bar ledge in an attempt to keep up with conversation. 

Real-life gramwagoners in action.

What’s Next

Atlanta Falcons (5-4) vs. the Seattle Seahawks (6-3), Monday at 8:30 p.m.

Quarterbacks Matt Ryan and Russell Wilson may appear comparable on paper, but after Wilson’s firey few weeks on the field, many are predicting the Falcons will have their wings clipped by the Seahawks — which is fitting, as seahawks are the arguably more intimidating bird species. Speaking of which, here’s an absolutely insane video of an actual seahawk landing on a Seahawks fan in 2014.

I’m rooting for Russell Wilson mostly so that we can enjoy a few more months of Ciara successfully pulling off a jersey as a dress. Serious Q: will I ever not want to be Ciara?

Who’s On Our Roster

Meet Pete “Silver Fox” Carroll, who I like to affectionately refer to as “White Lightning.” File under: Seahawks head coach, NFL’s hottest granddad.

I originally discovered this creature — who looks like a cross between the Google search result for “white collar crime stock photos” and your best friend’s strangely attractive uncle — on the sidelines during a Sunday of forced football watching last year. Needless to say,  it’s been love ever since.

If P.C. feels a little too SeekingArrangement for your taste, fear not: he has a son! Meet Nate — who also coaches for the Seahawks — and thank me later.

P.S. This is the actual Google image result for “white collar crime.”

Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other athletically inclined associates.

The Drama

Rams rising. The Rams have risen to the #7 spot in the Week 10 rankings — with a league lead of almost 33 points scored per game — annnnnnd no one in LA gives a single matcha about it. Perhaps the Rams are putting in overtime to avoid a fate similar to that of the city’s other futbol team.
Players to name drop on your Bumble date: Todd Gurley and Jared Goff, ringers of the Rams’ now “thriving” offense. 

Trust the Proswentz. The Eagles’ Carson Wentz is taking the league by storm faster than you can as for “extra cheese” at 3 am in Center City. The 24-year-old leads ESPN mid-season MVP poll, almost unanimously. 

Kapernick may be coming back. Here are the deets: Houston needs a quarterback, and Kapernick appears to be the man for the job given his history of thriving under similar coaching during his 49ers career. That said, the move could prove risky from a PR perspective for the team currently ranked 24th in the league. 

Puck off. The NHL is back in full swing and, based on the Week 3 ratings roster, it appears the LA Kings may be vying for their own soccer field, too. Also, does anyone else find it strange the top three leading teams all hail from decidedly warm cities? Like, what has everyone in Canada been doing for the last nine months?!
Big games to discuss with your brother-in-law: Pittsburgh Penguins vs. the Washington Capitals and the NY Islanders vs. the Dallas Stars, both on Friday, November 10th.

Papa John’s is too patriotic to make money this quarter. This is the claim made by CEO John Schattner, at least, who publicly theorized that player protests during the national anthem are what’s taking a slice out of sales for the pizza franchise. The situation has quickly become messier than a dropped jar of marinara during a weekend dinner rush, and you can read all about it here.

I’m gonna let you finish, CEO de PJ’s, but have you considered your direct competitor‘s pizza emoji online ordering capability was one of the best restaurant marketing moves of all time??? Of allllll time!????!!! (*Kanye voice*)

Sports Words of the Week

Running back (n): a running back (RB) is a member of the offensive backfield. The primary roles of a running back are to receive handoffs from the quarterback for a rushing play, to catch passes from out of the backfield, and to block.^[1] There are usually one or two running backs on the field for a given play, depending on the offensive formation. A running back may be a halfback (in certain contexts also referred to as a tailback) a wingback or a fullback.

Fantasynoia (n): a phenomenon experienced by partners of fantasy sports fanatics during the fall and winter seasons, during which consistent distraction and intense phone usage are often misconstrued as markers of infidelity.

Tonya: Harry’s been texting SO much when we hang out on Sundays. Do you think Bad and BroBrees is just a code name for his side chick?

Tricia: If Harry were to name his side chick after a football player, I’m pretty sure he’d pick one with a full hairline. You’re being fantasanoid, girl!

What’s Next

New England Patriots (6-2) vs. the Denver Broncos (3-5), Sunday at 8:30 pm

With Gronkowski officially off this week’s injury report, it’s not looking good for Denver, whose losing record doesn’t quite stack up next to the Patriots’ 6-2 season. That said, there is that weird thing with altitude at Mile High, so perhaps the Broncos will have a slight advantage should the Patriots’ lungs prove as impressionable as their balls. 

Who’s On Our Roster

Gronk’s vibe is reading slightly creepy frat star who keeps coming back for alumni weekends to me this season, and I think anyone with occipital nerves is sick of looking at Tom Brady. Worry not, however, as I have discovered the stallion lurking in Gronk’s shadow; Danny Amendola! 

I must also inform you that Danny appears to be moonlighting as Olivia Culpo’s Instagram husband, but that shouldn’t stop you from snagging a few free whiskey gingers from a look-a-like before the fourth quarter. As always, the perfect outfits for this endeavor are waiting for you below!

Click the graphic to shop your faves.