Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other athletically inclined associates.
Rams rising. The Rams have risen to the #7 spot in the Week 10 rankings — with a league lead of almost 33 points scored per game — annnnnnd no one in LA gives a single matcha about it. Perhaps the Rams are putting in overtime to avoid a fate similar to that of the city’s other futbol team.
Players to name drop on your Bumble date: Todd Gurley and Jared Goff, ringers of the Rams’ now “thriving” offense.
Trust the Proswentz. The Eagles’ Carson Wentz is taking the league by storm faster than you can as for “extra cheese” at 3 am in Center City. The 24-year-old leads ESPN mid-season MVP poll, almost unanimously.
Kapernick may be coming back. Here are the deets: Houston needs a quarterback, and Kapernick appears to be the man for the job given his history of thriving under similar coaching during his 49ers career. That said, the move could prove risky from a PR perspective for the team currently ranked 24th in the league.
Puck off. The NHL is back in full swing and, based on the Week 3 ratings roster, it appears the LA Kings may be vying for their own soccer field, too. Also, does anyone else find it strange the top three leading teams all hail from decidedly warm cities? Like, what has everyone in Canada been doing for the last nine months?!
Big games to discuss with your brother-in-law: Pittsburgh Penguins vs. the Washington Capitals and the NY Islanders vs. the Dallas Stars, both on Friday, November 10th.
Papa John’s is too patriotic to make money this quarter. This is the claim made by CEO John Schattner, at least, who publicly theorized that player protests during the national anthem are what’s taking a slice out of sales for the pizza franchise. The situation has quickly become messier than a dropped jar of marinara during a weekend dinner rush, and you can read all about it here.
I’m gonna let you finish, CEO de PJ’s, but have you considered your direct competitor‘s pizza emoji online ordering capability was one of the best restaurant marketing moves of all time??? Of allllll time!????!!! (*Kanye voice*)
Sports Words of the Week
Running back (n): a running back (RB) is a member of the offensive backfield. The primary roles of a running back are to receive handoffs from the quarterback for a rushing play, to catch passes from out of the backfield, and to block. There are usually one or two running backs on the field for a given play, depending on the offensive formation. A running back may be a halfback (in certain contexts also referred to as a tailback) a wingback or a fullback.
Fantasynoia (n): a phenomenon experienced by partners of fantasy sports fanatics during the fall and winter seasons, during which consistent distraction and intense phone usage are often misconstrued as markers of infidelity.
Tonya: Harry’s been texting SO much when we hang out on Sundays. Do you think Bad and BroBrees is just a code name for his side chick?
Tricia: If Harry were to name his side chick after a football player, I’m pretty sure he’d pick one with a full hairline. You’re being fantasanoid, girl!
New England Patriots (6-2) vs. the Denver Broncos (3-5), Sunday at 8:30 pm
With Gronkowski officially off this week’s injury report, it’s not looking good for Denver, whose losing record doesn’t quite stack up next to the Patriots’ 6-2 season. That said, there is that weird thing with altitude at Mile High, so perhaps the Broncos will have a slight advantage should the Patriots’ lungs prove as impressionable as their balls.
Who’s On Our Roster
Gronk’s vibe is reading slightly creepy frat star who keeps coming back for alumni weekends to me this season, and I think anyone with occipital nerves is sick of looking at Tom Brady. Worry not, however, as I have discovered the stallion lurking in Gronk’s shadow; Danny Amendola!
I must also inform you that Danny appears to be moonlighting as Olivia Culpo’s Instagram husband, but that shouldn’t stop you from snagging a few free whiskey gingers from a look-a-like before the fourth quarter. As always, the perfect outfits for this endeavor are waiting for you below!
Click the graphic to shop your faves.