Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports: the Super Bowl Cheat Sheet

VTNF Picks
Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other sports-minded cohorts, compiled, in part, my VTNF’s anonymous panel of male experts.


The Playbook


Gronk will (probably) play. Some are wondering if Big G will make it onto the field after suffering a concussion two weeks ago, but it appears he is, in fact, en route to Minnesota (and looking noticeably less like a frat star who graduated five years ago but is still coming back for the parties.) Fun fact: Gronk, wide receiver Bradin Cooks and running back Dion Lewis became the first trio to ever accumulate 1,000 yards in one season, on the same team. I’m not 100% sure why that matters, BUT IT DOES.

Expect some awkward ex encounters. This ain’t Chris Long and LeGarette Blount’s first Superbowl rodeo, and the two actually played for the Patriots last year when they nabbed their historic five-game win. Hoping for some passive-aggressive Instagram posts and shady side-eye. I have a feeling I will be left thoroughly disappointed.

Eagles’ QB Nick Foles may have the opposite of performance anxiety, whatever that is. As Carson Wentz takes on Tiny Tim like stature in the hearts and minds of Eagles fan, Foles has been gaining momentum, providing the Eagles with a powerhouse performance that ultimately helped them take the NFC. If the Foles’ wait-until-it-really-really-matters approach continues, Brady may have to kick it (or throw it?) into overdrive on Sunday.


That said, if it comes down to kicking, don’t put your money on the birds. Gostkowski trumps Eagles’ kicker Elliot (almost) across the board. As they say; flying is fun, but kicking wins games.

No one is rooting for New England, except New England (and North Dakota?) You can get a visual of what that looks like here. Oh, and this long-read about how the Pats will hasten the demise of the NFL is an interesting read, as well. 

There’s going to be a lot of Instagramming in the Patriots’ suite. Gisele Bundchen. Olivia Culpo. Camille Kostek. No, this isn’t a list of your recent likes, it’s actually the roster of Pats girlfriends. Here’s hoping they can take photos of each other while their Instagram husbands are busy working their part-time jobs. 


Sports Terms of the Week

Hail Mary (n or adj): A Hail Mary pass also known as a Shot Play is a very long forward pass in American football, made in desperation with only a small chance of success. The term became widespread after a 1975 NFL playoff game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Minnesota Vikings, when Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach (a Roman Catholic and Godfather Part 2 fan) said about his game-winning touchdown pass to wide receiver Drew Pearson, “I closed my eyes and said a Hail Mary.” Not to be confused with Bloody Mary, of course, which is what I plan to drink in order to survive the day. Order my favorite mix on Amazon Prime here, and don’t forget the Bleu cheese olives and Old Bay

Offensive tight-end (n): The tight end (TE) The tight end is often seen as a hybrid position with the characteristics and roles of both an offensive lineman and a wide receiver. Like offensive linemen, they are usually lined up on the offensive line and are large enough to be effective blockers. On the other hand, they are eligible receivers adept enough to warrant a defense’s attention when running pass patterns.

Rob Gronkowski is both Tom Brady’s tight end and Tom Brady’s tight end.

Snackandering, (v) when the newly anointed girlfriend of sports fan employs the use of a delicious, homemade snack to win favor among new significant other’s group of friends at weekly basement viewing party.

Rob: “Even though she sat in another room and did not interact with us whatsoever, Kyle’s new girlfriend seems pretty cool.”

Chad: “I don’t even remember her name, but I’m pretty sure he’s found the one. That’s the best seven-layer dip I’ve had in, like, at least a few years.”

Brandon: “Yup, dip was dope. If she’s snackandering us, I’m cool with it.”

Who We’ll Be Watching


JT, who appears to be our only saving grace during Sunday’s four hours of “fun.” If you’re having flashbacks to 2004, you’re not alone. Luckily, Will Smith provided him a helpful reminder regarding proper performance protocol via Instagram. Thank God!

Shop the Season's Most-Wanted Shoes at NORDSTROM.

The Looks

Regardless of whether you’ll be suffering through another ‘Bowl with your Patriots fanatic boyfriend, or trying to impress an Eagles fan at the house party, we’ve got your look covered. As always, click the link to shop!

Let’s Go Eagles.

Philadelphia Eagles Outfit

Shop it: Coat, $75 // Sweater, $45 // Clutch, $85 // Booties, $80 // Blank Denim Jeans, $98

Let’s Go Patriots.

Patriots Look

Shop it: Earrings, $18 // Booties, $97 // Tee, $120 //  Jeans, $138 // Cuff, $245


P.S. Need something to eat, too? These vegan “chicken” wings and roasted Brussels sprouts with honey-harissa dip are both great places to start. Don’t forget, you can have all of your groceries delivered for FREE when you start your AmazonFresh Free Trial!

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